Since May is mental health awareness month I decided what better way to bring awareness than to have someone share their story. As a friend or family member when you notice something is wrong, reach out or contact someone to check on that person. Studies have shown 1 in 5 adults suffer from mental health illness. So that means you know at least one person suffering.
2010 I was recently divorced and decided to move away from home. The decision was easy since I had cut off my family and friends. I had an excellent job and position for a multimillion-dollar company. I buried myself into my work so I didn’t have to go home. Day in and day out I didn’t realize I wasn’t eating any food. Coffee was the only thing holding me over. My routine was so repetitive for weeks until one night I began to have chest pains, heart palpitations, headaches, numbness and tingling on my left side. I just knew I was having a heart attack. I called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital. Fortunately for me, all of my tests came back negative I wasn’t having a heart attack.
The episodes continued over a period of 4 months in which time I had over 25 hospital visits involving 3 different hospitals. The stress and worry over my health had taken a toll me. My work performance began to slack prompting my supervisor to write me up. The episodes got worse. I started taking sick and vacation time just so I could stay at home and sleep all day. I became paranoid as if my life was ending and I was going to die alone. There in my apartment and no one would care or no one would notice I was gone.
I thought about my children. My son is serving a life sentence in prison. How it would affect him not being there for his mother or her funeral. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I couldn’t catch my breath my heart would be racing, my blood pressure would rise and sometimes I even passed out. I had no idea what was happening to my body. I was too ashamed to talk to anyone because I thought they would call me crazy since Doctor’s couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me.
I decided to take an unpaid leave of absence from work to focus on getting myself better. I started eating right, healthy foods, drinking lots of water and walking to get exercise. None of that helped as I would still lie in bed all day not wanting to get up to eat or shower because it was just too exhausting. I still had thoughts that I would die and I would die all alone. I remember praying to God to please help me by healing me because I didn’t want to die.
My last visit to the E.R.; I was admitted into the hospital and the top cardiologist on staff was my attending physician. He reviewed my entire previous test from the months prior and from the other hospitals. He also ran other tests such as stress test, lexicon, and angiograms. You name it he ran it.
None of the tests revealed heart problems. I remember when he came to my room and gave me the news. He told me that I don’t need those tests for another 10 years because there’s nothing wrong with me and it was all in my mind. As I sat up in my hospital bed I grabbed the doctor’s arm and cried out loudly “PLEASE FIND OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!!!! I KNOW I’M SICK I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!!” To my surprise, my plea to him worked. He kept me in the hospital a little longer. The next day to my surprise a psychiatrist came in. I didn’t want to welcome him because in my mind I wasn’t crazy and I didn’t need to see him.
I knew my depression had control over me over my entire life, and I couldn’t tell anyone because I was too ashamed of what they would think or call me crazy. Late 2013 was the day my mother called me and told me that she was in a lot of pain. I took her to the hospital and gave them her history with uterine cancer. Informing, them that she had been in remission for the last year. After sitting at the hospital for hours and waiting for numerous tests come back the nurses informed us they will be keeping my mother for further testing it was revealed that my mother’s cancer had returned aggressively. So overwhelmed with depression, guilt, anger, frustration, and sadness my journey with prescription medication began. The combination of alcohol and prescription medication made me completely numb to anything and to everyone.
Depression started to show up more frequently after being advised to contact hospice to make mom as comfortable as we possibly can. After burying my mom I stopped all of my visits with my psychiatrists. I ignored messages from him and his receptionist.
Two concerned longtime friends started planning outings to get me out of the house. During one of our outings, one of my friends noticed I was taking my prescription medicine with alcohol. She began questioning me and I burst into tears screaming at her “you don’t know what I’m going through, my mother is gone and it’s because of me”. Out of nowhere, my friend told me “if I was going to start all that crying and talking crazy, then I can get out of her car because nobody wants to hear that. she didn’t have time for it because black people don’t go through that.” WOW! That really hurt. My other friend turned around and looked at me. She asked to see the medication I was taking. Then she gave me a concerning look and said: “You need help or you’re going to kill yourself”. I told my friend “I’m fine I just take the medication to ease my mind, it helps me to not think about things, and it helps me to not hear voices inside of my head”. As we got out of the car to go into the restaurant to have dinner this same friend pulled me to the side and said “she loved me and that I needed to get help I needed to start going back to see my doctor and that I needed to examine my behavior and how it’s affecting my life.”
You see she was also suffered from depression and that’s how she recognized the signs that I was giving off.
After that night I had to admit I was sick. Depression is an illness and taking medicine daily was ok. Not abusing alcohol was ok. Seeing my doctor was ok and it had nothing to do with cultural. I wasn’t crazy…Asides from dealing with depression and life situations we have to know when to seek help. It makes you stronger to recognize and know yourself.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK
Suicide & Crisis Hotline
1-800-999-9999