“He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.”
Who remembers picking apart the petals from a flower saying those exact words as a kid? The good life, being a kid and having no care in the world. Remember all those Disney movies that made us believe fairytales were true? Next thing you know reality wakes you up and you’re 28.
I took a few steps back and started to over analyze things. Sincere (my son) needed a complete family. Mommy and daddy in the home. The pressure wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t always trying to please my child. (We as parents have to know when to say no. Even though your child might not understand today, it’ll make sense in the future.)
In the blog “Free to be” I told you about the messages from other women saying they were pregnant when I was pregnant. So it was then the person I knew became a drifted allusion. Well why did I turnaround at the courthouse March 4th 2014 and still say I do? Well because he loved me and I loved him.
“At 28, I knew I couldn’t get the fairytale Disney story and I was ok with that.”
My story was the complete opposite of a Disney story. (Disney in hell) Yeah, I said it, fuck who don’t like it. I was a complete idiot leading up to the day that should’ve been perfect. There was this crazy ex-girlfriend. (I hate to call her crazy but that’s the only thing that could describe the things she did.) This woman would text me, I block her. She would call me I block her. She even took to social media to message my family and say she was married to at the time my fiancé/ baby daddy but no I still said I do. That’s not even one of this girl’s craziest episodes but hey you get the idea.
I’m sure she’s probably keeping up with Keisa. If so, hey boo. I forgive you. Ladies remember it takes two to tango and if a man is telling you anything you want to hear please let the actions speak for itself. Now, when dealing with someone who has multiple kids and multiple mothers you have to be cordial. It’s hard to do that when trying to co-parent you have to see the text message from the other kid’s moms like “Hey, I still want you”. “Hey, you know what? Let’s just have sex one more time”.
Outside looking in I had to ask myself did he hurt them that bad. The issue wasn’t with him it was with who he decided to settle with. So it became a personal vendetta to try and get me mad. A woman that feels like she can get an award to say she slept with your man. Well, more power to you karma hit nicely and sometimes when you take a step back and can’t figure out why you’re miserable it was due to your selfish ways. Again why did I say I do? It was dating made easy. When it was us minus the drama I felt like a Queen.
“Romance. He was the definition.”
I was blind to the fact that these women weren’t entertaining themselves, and that he was just very good at hiding the truth from me. To my knowledge, he wasn’t entertaining them. (Foolish of me to really believe that.) He cooked, he cleaned, ran my bath water, like let’s be honest what else could I ask for? When you watch the news and see what these women boyfriends do to the kids the idea of anyone meeting my child became nonexistent at that point. Living off of fear was the wrong thing I could’ve did. The romance couldn’t make up for everything that was really going on.
When I realized that, it was too late. I was a wife and I had obligations to live up to. Sike let’s be real as good as that did sound at that time that wasn’t the case. I had to show the women I was the winner. I was the wife, you could keep trying to mess with him but I had what everyone wanted and it was the last name. So this is how and when I started to loose myself.
I started to document everything on facebook or instagram you wanted my spot so bad, I had to show you how good it looked. Everything that glitters wasn’t gold. See what people knew of my ex was that time of his life when he was on a high. I never lived that life with him, I was to busy living off my own high to care about his. Anyone that knows me knows I love to bargain shop. Groupon, living social, and anything that you could use to have a good time for a discount was right up my alley. So, what I used to fire up my audience only backfired on me. I had so much to prove and it was draining. There was no break it was sucking the life out of me. The worst part was when child support took everything out of MY account. Yes, I had to capitalize that because it got back to me that I was a kept wife.
My sleepless nights beg to differ but what do I know. (The moment when his baggage becomes yours in a marriage.) Before this relationship if you wanted to know who I was dating you had to see me out with him. I should’ve known things weren’t going to be as good. I had too much to prove. To much time invested in the wrong things I couldn’t enjoy my marriage. Now I’m pregnant on top of everything else going on. “No sir I couldn’t do it”, I wasn’t secure in my relationship, yes I said I do, but I couldn’t do it. The week I said I do, I was googling annulments so I couldn’t bring a baby into this mess that later on turned into a message. I made a decision on my own so how could I be mad at Sarah, she gave him something I wasn’t willing to. Was that an excuse for him to step out? No.
When I was pregnant, a lot of my stories were similar to when I was married. I was the foolish one giving all of me to try and change a person who has been nothing but consistent. Looking back you couldn’t pay me to be that dumb 28yr old again. If you’re changing and it’s in a good way do it. If you see yourself changing for bad or even closing yourself off from the world reach out to someone quick! I said I do settling and for all the wrong reasons. It started off with good intentions but when too many outsiders became a part of the equation everything went south. So, my advice to you is when all signs are there run. No, I’m just kidding some relationships are worth fighting for. Only if you’re fighting to not give up not competing.