“I can’t breathe, it’s the middle of the day but everything seems dark…
All four walls are caving in and all I can hear is, I want to play too…”
This wasn’t a game anyone would jump up for with joy to play. At this very moment my innocence was stolen. What was a 5yr old to do? You push it in the back of your mind. When fairytales and daydreams became nightmares. I wish I was watching a movie but no, this was real life. It had to be my fault, I held on to the guilt for years.
You play the moment back only when necessary. It’s always loud, but still a quiet moment when anything of this sort is happening. I just want to taste you? Why? I don’t want to play anymore. With a house full of people when you’re in a room with the door shut, you’ll be surprised at the perceived distance. Not one situation but two….what was an 8yr old to do? It definitely had to be my fault. So while everyone is caught up in the moment of increasing their butt size………….. you can now understand why it took so long for me to love myself.
Excuse me if I’m always smiling, I’ve overcome more things in my life than just a divorce. Pieces were taken and could never be given back.
What do you do now? How do you move forward? My toughest battles in life I fought when I had no fight in me. Things were just taken, so if you catch me smiling, know I’m an overcomer. Where I messed up and we all tend to mess up is by giving another human being authority over our life. You should never dictate my happiness. You can be a bonus but the reason I live… No.
You become strong for everyone else around you. I’m ok, I was a shield for my siblings. I was put here to protect them and it was at whatever cost. Now tell that little girl to go watch the Disney channel and believe what she see’s. More to put in the back of my mind.
Push, Markeisa….. Move forward, life goes on…
I rarely shared what I’ve been through. When I did share, I gave you some power. If given that piece of my life story, I felt you were obligated to make sure you didn’t hurt me. That was foolish of me. How could I want someone that didn’t care about themselves, to care about me. (I was better off on someone’s couch or with my bible.) Well I can’t say……
“Not too many people understand, you can’t sell a broken child a dream.”
You knew what you’d seen on T V was just actors. So TV shows, movies, and all that good stuff never really moved me. My life may not be all glitz and gold but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If you wonder why I’m so close to my son, now you know. I get asked a lot why do you take him everywhere? Well from experience…. it’s within a blink of an eye or right under your nose…that things can happen. God gave me my battle because he knew I was strong enough to bear it. My story one day would be the story to save one’s life. Or just show another it’s ok to let go and let God. Moving on is a decision one has to make and it’s only for the better.